The Great Ass Flattening

Or
Eastward Ho(e)!

I could regale you all with stories of the rolling hillsides, the black hills, the fields of antelopes and bison that passed by my weary eyes as I traversed from Washington State to Milwaukee, Wisconsin in a litte over 5 days. I could tell you about the beauty of Bozemon, Montana, or the lake at Coeur D'Alene that has the Floating Green at Coeur D'Alene, where I am already organizing a vacation amongst my friends for twenty years down the road. I won't tell you about the way I managed to get into Little Big Horn and Mt. Rushmore both without paying, and I won't bore you with slideshow picture captions of my time at both of them.

Instead, I'd like to concentrate on the glorious inbetween time. The time spent with myself and my ninjas. This is a particularly opportune time to discuss this since I got to know my car intimately over this particular stretch of time, as I spent five nights in a row sleeping in the '98 Mercury Grand Marquis. Without further delay, here is a short list of my long strech in the car.

• I have a bad voice. I learned this a long time ago, but upon hearing a rather pathetic version of "in the Air Tonight" belted out, I can safely put any debate on that issue to bed.



• I swear every place I've been to has a 96 something Kiss FM.



• The Accelerate and Coast cruise control buttons replaced the actual pedals on trip long ago. It has come to the point to where a believe it would be possible for me to sit Indian style and drive completely safely. I would do this were I not told once in my life to never trust a grown man who sits cross legged.



• There are some really really pathetic state license plates out there. Ohio is the leader in Aviation, yet North Carolina is First in Flight. Is this really, in today's age, an accomplishment worthy of two states?
  


• I've touched on this before, but have now come to recognize the inventiveness of the numerous Abortion Billboards across the country. While they may never rival the wittiness of numerous Church sign catchphrases, they have become viral. I hate to put anyone onto this silliness, but the Billboard was too much not to pass up, regardless of what you believe.


• Hootie and the Blowfish still rock


• I can go a little over 37 miles on the highway once my car's Low Fuel Light comes on. Barely.


• The only downside I can find to having this Man Beard is that I find myself stroking in contemplatively. My contemplations involve the following real train of thought: Not eating for a few days to see what happens and to save money, a breakdown of my funds to see how far overbudget I am, eat a wheat tortilla, remember that I had wanted to not eat for a few days, grab belly and jiggle it to see if it looks any smaller than before, think about how good a shape I'd be in if I'd enlist, debate whether I'd do it if we go to war with the Iran, wonder how hard it would be to learn Arabic, remember I'm going to law school, wonder how hard it is going to be studying alot, consider what kind of apartment I want to get, debate whether I could siphon off enough student loans to put a down payment on a house, think about what kind of deck I would want for my house, wonder how many more miles I have left, realize I am in no hurry, sing along with the rap song, think of how I could totally hack it as a suburban rapper, remember I tried to hack it as a suburban rapper...for about an hour... and had an "In The Air Tonight"realization, if I go one more mile an hour faster, I'll get there four minutes faster, I've got to poo, I wonder if I've lost weight or gained weight, maybe I should try not eating for a few days.
  

Lastly, when sleeping in your car, there are two positions one may assume. You may

A) Clear out the back seat in order to lay across it, relieving pressure on one's back and allowing for a modicum of disguise, but also must deal with your legs invariably falling asleep or cramping from their inability to properly stretch out

B) Lean the driver's seat as far back as possible. Pre-grooved butt wedge adds to the "slept in" feel and you get to stretch your legs out. Drawbacks include the disgusting realization that the past 17 hours straight were spent in the exact same location, the car seat now smells... more, there is a higher probability of being seen by passerbyes, a risk that can be negated by backing into a parking spot and putting up a windshield sun screen.

You may be asking yourself, Why is he so concerned with people seeing him? Where is the poor man sleeping? Without exception, I sleep in the parking lot of some friendly off ramp hotel. With only one incident of an alert Holiday Inn employee calling the police on my suspicious activities, resulting in me moving on down the line in Milwaukee, I've found these to be the best place to lay me down to sleep. The reason being that in the morning, when I rise groggy eyed and with sleep lines on my face, I can saunter into the hotel, past the desk, and into the hotel lobby to have my morning constitutional and brush my teeth. And eat the Continental Breakfast.