Breakfast

Rules for Bumming a Continental Breakfast.

The Entrance: Quite possibly the most important aspect of the entire maneuver, this must be pulled off with the utmost of confidence. The trick, however, is that the confidence must be masked behind the dead eyed look of a slumbering hotel guest. Morning times are busy for hotel employees checking people out, smiling insincerely, pretending not to notice the marital indiscretions occurring left and right amongst the business class traveling through, so the last thing they could care about is a rugged man sauntering though the lobby. Now, once you've made it past the lobby, do not stop at the breakfast immediately. Pick a hallway and go for it. If you're lucky you'll get the one with the lobby restroom, which you can use. If you get the wrong one, simply head to the stairs at the end of the hallway, go up and double back. Take your time in the restroom--Proper hygiene is not abandoned simply due to a life on the road. Plus, the more time between sightings, the greater likelihood you are a legitimate guest back at his room. Finished? Good, now you may go get breakfast. Make sure you've washed your hands.

Breakfast: The most important meal of the day. A good continental breakfast should have hot food for you, after all, you deserve it. Should you happen upon a cold continental breakfast, do not settle. If you've gotten up early enough, and if you're sleeping in your car you will have, you've got plenty of time to find somewhere more fitting to your tastes. Specifically 9:30. In order to avoid this situation alltogether, be selective about where you sleep. The parking lot you crash in tonight is the breakfast you'll be eating tomorrow. Avoid Hilton's, Marriots, and any hotel with an attached restaurant or breakfast joint in the parking lot. These higher end joints, while hosting a more appealing sleeping situation, are generally inclined to charge their guests for breakfast. On the opposite side of the spectrum, avoid Super 8's, Red Roof Inn's, and any place that has hourly rates for your slumber party and breakfast. If you survive the night, you will only be greeted by the cold bowl of stale Cheerio knockoffs. The prime locations, coming from 10 nights of experience now, is to find a Hampton or Holiday Inn. The upper middle class of the group, you'll find a free, hot breakfast here that gets the Ballparkquest.com Seal of Approval. Each is different, and each is the same. You can count on Dannon's yogurt and a good bagel. Don't let your diet slip simply because of the until then absent abundance of food at your disposal. If you've hit the Jackpot, you'll be treated to sausage patties or links, eggs, and biscuits and gravy. Take your time. Enjoy. This is fine dining on the road. Sure the obligatory CNN stories on in the dining room are anything but newsworthy. Sure the family disciplining their children in an awkwardly loud fashion is distracting. Don't eat and run. Enjoy. Let your first cup of coffee cool enough to drink. Befriend the sweet lady making breakfast, but not enough to where she is comfortable enough to ask questions. Enjoy. You're just going right back to your Bed/Car/Home/Prison Cell. Get seconds. Don't settle for cereal. If they have mini muffins, try a banana nut and a poppy seed. Get your vitamins. Your fruits. Apple and Orange juice. Make a Waffle if they have the station. Most importantly, Enjoy, this is as close to feeling like a normal person with a home, income and purpose for the whole day, until you wake up the next day and do it all over again.

The Exit: When you've done all that you can do, refilled your coffee cup, pocketed a banana, and grabbed a muffin, you're ready to leave. Should you feel particularly comfortable, and in need you may ask the front desk for a toiletry of your choice. Usually they're more than happy to oblige, and won't ask for a room number. Say thank you to the front desk and the sweet lady making breakfast, and make sure you don't foul things up in the end by going out the front door. When a hotel guest leaves breakfast, they go down the hall to their room, which is what you must do. It just so happens that you go down to the end of the hall, out the door, and into your car, ready for another day on the road and another story for the Quest. If only there were Continental Dinners.